Top 5: Cult Movies that don't involve John Carpenter, Kurt Russell or Bruce Campbell

Yes, everyone knows that Big Trouble in Little China, Evil Dead 2, Army Of Darkness, The Thing, They Live, Tango & Cash, etc are fucking awesome. That's why every time someone makes a top cult movies list a few of those movies slip onto it. Too easy. Try these out.   

5. TapeHeads - Terribly dated and overconfident about it's own cleverness, this move still charms.  Plus it has 2 ninja bitches about to kill each other. (see the whole movie to get that one)

4. Story Of Ricky (Ricky O) - Generally I don't go for Kung Fu movies but maybe thats because most Kung Fu movies don't have people punching through bodies like balsa wood and using their own intestines as strangulation weapons.

3. Dellamorte Dellamore (Cemetary Man) - Possibly the strangest zombie movie I've ever seen. This one gets downright existential. Plus there's a really hot Italian chick that gets naked... a lot. 

2. Repo Man - A movie ostensibly about suburban alienation, punk, repo men, a strange Chevy Malibu, metaphysics, aliens, secret government agencies, neutron bombs, lobotomies, fruitcake, air fresheners, plates of shrimp and more. Infinitely quotable.  

1. Night Of The Creeps - A late night cable classic. Still unavailable on an officially released dvd. I paid $40 for my bootleg dvd on ebay a few years ago.  And I would have paid more. It's that awesome. 

Top 5: Songs That Are Thinly Veiled Metaphors For Oral Sex

5. "Tomorrow"  Silverchair: I could be wrong about this one. But every time I doubt myself I remember that this song was written by a 15 yr old. Sample Lyric - "Wont you come with me, to a place in a little town - The only way to get there's to go straight down - Theres no bathroom, and there is no sink - The water out of the tap is very, hard to drink"

4. "Candy Shop" 50 cent: I'm disappointed in 50. This is barely even a metaphor.  What happened to the good ol' days of hip-hop with subtle bon mots like "Put It In Your Mouth". Sample Lyric - "I'll take you to the candy shop - I'll let you lick the lollypop - Go 'head girl don't you stop- Keep going 'til you hit the spot"

3. "Rock Me Gently" Andy Kim: For the longest time I thought that this song was just about regular old sex but check out this Sample Lyric - "Oh my darlin' Oh my baby - You got the moves that drive me crazy - And on your face I see a trace of love"

2. "Misfire" Queen: Keep in mind this song is sung by a dude about a dude. Enjoy  Sample Lyric - "Your gun is loaded - And pointing my way - There's only one bullet - So don't delay - Got to time it right- Fire me through the night- Come on take a shot - Fire me higher - Don't you miss this time - Please don't misfire"

1. "Yummy, Yummy, Yummy" Ohio Express: This bubble-gum pop song of the 60's has become a staple on kids albums. Thats right, somewhere a 4 year old is singing these lyrics. Sample Lyric - "Yummy, Yummy, Yummy. - I got love in my tummy, - And I feel like a-lovin you - Love, you're such a sweet thing, - Good enough to eat thing - And that's just a-what I'm gonna do."

Top 5: Movie Decapitations

I'll be honest with you, I'm kind of half-assing this one. I'm sure there will be things I miss that I will kick myself over later but here we go:

5) "Story of Ricky" (1991) This movie needs to be seen to be believed. Not that I'm recomending you see it, at least not without the assistance of a large quantity of pyscotropic drugs. Summed up quickly, Ricky is a badass vigilante of justice that goes to a corrupt prison and starts fucking bad guys up. He punches one dudes jaw off, puts a hole in a fat guys stomach, re-ties a severed tendon in his arm with his teeth and then continues to fight and more gory ridiculousness. It's on this list for the scene where a gang leader claps his hands together on a prisoners head and the head disintegrates. Literally. So so awesome. To put it lighty this movie is fucking absurd. If you can find it, get some friends, smoke a bowl, drink a little ripple, watch and enjoy. No need to thank me. 

4) "Evil Dead II: Dead By Dawn" (1987) Anyone who knows me well knows how much I love this movie. I worship at the altar of this film at least twice a year just to keep my shit together. The 2nd best Halloween costume I've ever worn was the main character of this movie (again those who truly know me know how serious that statement is). Anyway, Ash our hero, cuts off the head of his girlfriend with a shovel. Hey, she was possesed by the evil spirits of the Necronomicon at the time, okay. There was nothing he could do so its cool, alright. The best part about this decap is that later on the girlfriends re-animated corpse comes back to torment Ash. The head falls off and the disembodied head wreaks havoc by biting Ash's hand and not letting go. After fighting with the head briefly, Bruce Campbell, the actor that plays Ash, delivers quite possibly the greatest ADR line in cinema history, "workshed". Classic. 

3) "Conan the Barbarian" (1982) Before Arnold was governor, before he lost all of his credibility with the films "Kindergarten Cop" and "Junior" he was a cool ass motherfucker. Never was he cooler than in this movie here, co-written by Oliver Stone (yes that Oliver Stone). Now I know somebody is gonna wave the Terminator flag and say that that's Arnie's best. Let me settle that shit right here by saying this: Fuck the Terminator. Conan 1 is the shit. I'm talking bout James Earl Jones and the riddle of steele. The most brutal decap I've seen because it doesn't come off clean. He has to wack at it a couple of times before it seperates. I mean having your head cut off would suck, obviously. But if you look on the bright side at least it's quick and fairly painless, right? I'm assuming. But having someone fuck up and only cut halfway through, that's just adding insult to injury. 

2) "Friday the 13th" (1980) Mrs Vorhees meets the business of a machete. (I'm getting tired of writing as much as you are of reading. That is if you're still even with me.) 

1) "The Omen" (1976) The reason this list happened. With the remake opening yesterday I was reminded of how amazing the scene is where David Warner meets his fate. I was curious as to how they could top it in the new one and I convinced myself that they can't. The most creative and shocking decapitaion in cinema history hands down. 

Honorable Mentions: All the decaps in Sleepy Hollow and Kill Bill Vol I. Emmanuelle Chriqui's half cap in Wrong Turn. Jengo Fett in Attack of the Clones.

Top 5: Cover Songs

Cover songs are a tricky business. Sometimes what you get is better than the original and sometimes what you get is Limp Bizkit’s version of Faith. Not pretty. There are a few rules or guidelines to making a great cover song. First off you have to start with a good original or at least one with some potential. There’s a down-home country-fried colloquialism I’ve heard here in the south that goes, “A pig in dress is still a pig.” I’m still not exactly sure what that means but I think it applies here. Maybe it has something to do with Bette Midler. You may have noticed I used the word good and not great for the original. That leads to the second rule; there should always be room for improvement. If the original was perfect then leave it alone, you’re only going to piss people off. And you should try to bring a little of yourself to the table. Put your stamp on the song. Make it your own. Lastly, and this isn’t really a rule more of a pet peeve of mine, do not release your cover as a single. Especially do not release it as the lead single off of your debut album. Have some fucking dignity for christsake.

5. Death Cab For Cutie “All Is Full Of Love” (original artist- Bjork) Pretty faithful cover as far as melody and arrangement goes. But gone are Bjork’s harps and strings and in is a propulsive drum sound not usually heard in DCFC’s mostly piano and guitar driven work. The song builds quietly and effectively and nails the climax beautifully. Ben Gibbard’s voice is in good form throughout the track and I think he outdoes Bjork with the emotion and conviction that he puts into the performance. 

4.  Travis “Hit Me Baby One More Time” (o.a. – Britney Spears) Let’s face it Ms. Federline has always been more about the packaging than the goods. But that doesn’t mean that there aren’t some quality songs in her catalogue. Take this acoustic cover of her first big hit. Stripped of all the excess of the Max Martin production machine the song shows itself for what it is, a somewhat treacly but otherwise well crafted pop song. The real hook is that the band sings it with such sincerity that it gives the whole thing a weight that it was previously lacking. The funny thing is that the fine Scottish lads were shithouse drunk at the time and did it as a lark. 

3. Clem Snide “I’ll Be Your Mirror” (o.a – Velvet Underground) I love the Velvet Underground even if I didn’t quite get them at first. Their music isn’t always the most accessible. It takes a few listens to truly hear everything going on in one of their songs. With “Mirror” I could never quite place it, but something was always off. Maybe it was Nico’s Teutonic yet oddly captivating voice or that the tempo seemed just a smidgen too fast but it always had an unsettling effect on me. Then Eef Barzelay comes along with his quivering, nasal twang singing style and turns it into one of the greatest love songs I’ve ever heard. Amazing. 

2. Jon Spencer Blues Explosion “Right Place, Wrong Time” (o.a. – Dr. John) “That’s right, that’s baby. The Blues is number one. I’m talking about the Blues Explosion straight outta New York City." I’ve never liked Dr. John’s music and to be honest this song used to annoy the piss out of me. But this cover makes me want to break shit and that is the highest compliment I can give to any rock song. 

1. Jeff Buckley “Hallelujah” (o.a. – Leonard Cohen) Cohen is one of the all time great songwriters but the man does not have a great voice. On top of that he’s kind of a bitter, cynical dude. Seriously, just read the lyrics to his songs and you’ll see what I mean. You can only take so much of that before it gets old. What I love about Buckley and his music is that he seemed so frail and sad and blissfully romantic and hopeful. His voice could soar and hit ridiculous heights. Like Spinal Taps amps he was able to get into that extra level and go over the edge. His emotion went to eleven. Simply put Hallelujah as performed by Buckley is one of the best songs I’ve ever heard. He feels every word he sings so completly that it cuts right through you. And just listen to how he holds that note at the end. Just awesome. 

Honorable Mentions: Guns n’ Roses “Knocking On Heavens Door”; Wilco “Thirteen”; Ted Leo “Since You Been Gone”; Dynamite Hack “Boyz-N-The-Hood”

Old posts

I've decided to put up a few of my old posts from my Myspace blog. They're pretty raw but I felt they were worth posting here. I haven't posted there in about 2 years and I forgot how much I used to curse in my writing. Enjoy the old stuff, I promise the new stuff will be better.

Mission Statement

So this is my first entry. Some might say that a Mission Statement is unnecessary . This is, after all just a blog. You all get what that entails. Moreover, some might consider my casual use of the term mission statement in regards to something as trivial as a blog to be more than a little pretentious and self important. And there, as the Dane would say, is the rub. 

Blogs by their very nature are, in my humble opinion, vaguely narcissistic and over-indulgent. They live off the concept that your thoughts and opinions are important enough to publish to the entire world. Now, I'm not knocking them for that (clearly, as I myself am writing one right now). Anyone that creates anything, be it writing, music, film, etc, has to operate from a belief that what they're doing means something and deserves to be seen/heard. If they didn't then the things they've done would never see the light of day. It would simply sit in a drawer somewhere collecting dust. Modern technology allows us to put ourselves out there unfettered and unfiltered. There's both good and bad about that. I see nothing wrong with cutting through a whole lot of red tape and just getting ideas to the public free of restrictions. The bad is a total lack of quality control. Just as over-expansion diluted the talent pool and killed the NHL, the fact that anyone with an internet connection can blow their mental load all over the world wide web has flooded cyberspace with a mass of material with questionable merit. But if you care to sift through the hyberbolic, vitriol spewed all over the place you'll find quite a bit of fine material. I aspire to be a part of the latter category.

So, getting back to the task at hand, the mission statement. 

But wait before I begin in earnest, let me address the issue of why I'm writing a mission statement in the first place (which is what I started off trying to do). I figure that if I'm taking the time to write this stuff and you, the reader are taking the time the read it then it's worth me taking the time to state my intentions. If you plan on investing yourself in this blog and reading it on a regular-to-semi-regular basis (and I hope that you do) I should at least let you know what it is you're getting into. So without further ado.... The Mission Statement

This blog will be about movies, music, tv, books, pop culture, etc. It will be my opinions about these topics and not a news site.

This site is not about me or my personal life (aside from the occasional anecdote as it may relate to the material I'm discussing). I don't think you need to know what I had for breakfast for me to tell you what I thought of the latest Coen Brothers movie (PS: it was awesome)

I like top 5 lists. A lot. So expect them regularly. 

I'll do my best to put up content frequently.

I like feedback and suggestions so don't be shy.

I guess that's it. In retrospect, kind of a weak mission statement. I probably shouldn't have bothered. Oh, well I already wrote it so its getting posted